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Not feeling like you want to get down to business in the bedroom? It’s not just you. We looked at why your sex drive might be stuck in reverse and how you can stop the fireworks from fizzling out
Summary
1What are the causes of a lower sex drive?
There are so many reasons why your libido can lower, and it’s different for everyone...
2How can you boost your libido?
Sometimes a lower libido is thanks to things you can’t really change, but there are some things you...
3Got more questions?
Here are some of your most frequently asked questions when it comes to your sexual spark…
Has your usual spark in the bedroom gone a little... dim? Or perhaps the urge to get it on just isn't what it used to be? Don't fret, because this shift in desire is far more common than you might think.
Your sex drive is entirely unique to you – it’s personal, with its own rhythms, and sometimes that usual rhythm ebbs a little.
Turns out, there are so many reasons why you might experience a sex drive slump. From stressful days to hormone fluctuations and even your relationship dynamic, here’s why your libido might be a little lower and what you can do to feel more in the mood.
Eight reasons why you might have no sex drive
1. Relationship issues
Sometimes, the natural ups and downs of being in a relationship can affect your sex life, but if you’re feeling a bit less intimate, it doesn’t mean your relationship is on the rocks.1
Instead, it can be a little nudge to pay a bit more attention to your relationship. Think of it as a team effort, figuring out what makes both of you feel that spark again.
Here are some of the ways your relationship could impact your sex drive:1
- being in a long-term relationship: the honeymoon period may have been sex crazy, but as couples become more familiar with each other, your sex drive can start to lower
- not talking: it takes two to tango, so check in with your partner about your concerns and communicate, communicate, communicate
- sweating the small stuff: arguments aren’t usually a big turn on, so if you’re fighting more frequently, you won’t want to have sex as much
- trust issues: trust is a big part of life and if somebody has betrayed that trust, then it can have a negative impact on the sex life of both parties
- a loss of attraction: simply not fancying your partner anymore could be putting a dampener on your sex life
Take the time to talk to each other, discuss your thoughts and feelings and get how you feel off your chest. You could also try seeing a relationship counsellor to help you work through both you and your partner’s feelings.
2. Physical sexual problems
Some people may struggle with physical issues that can cause sex to be unfulfilling, painful or difficult, which can impact your sex drive.2
Physical concerns like:
- erectile dysfunction: not being able to get or sustain an erection3
- vaginal dryness: can make sex more difficult unless you use additional lubrication4
- problems ejaculating: like premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation or retrograde ejaculation5
- painful sex: pain during sex can be caused by a lot of things and could be your body’s way of telling you something’s wrong, so don’t ignore it6
- inability to orgasm: if you can’t orgasm then you can feel unfulfilled and not as excited by sex5,7
- vaginismus: the involuntary tightening of the vagina can make sex feel painful8
It’s important that if you’re experiencing any of these problems, to contact your GP – they’ll be able to discuss solutions or treatments with you.
3. Your mental health
Mental health concerns, like depression, anxiety and stress can have a big impact on your day-to-day life – your sex drive too.
One study on chronic stress and sexual function in women found that high levels of chronic stress were linked to less arousal and more distraction when watching an erotic film.9 Plus, both stress and anxiety can leave you feeling exhausted, so sleep is usually the first thing on your mind when you hop into bed.10
Like stress and anxiety, depression can impact your life significantly and having a low sex drive is a really common symptom.11
Everyone is different, so it’s best to take time to chat to your GP or a mental health professional to find the right form of treatment for you and your symptoms.
4. Ageing and menopause’s effect on sex drive
Losing your sex drive as you age is very common for both men and women. Ageing affects your sex drive in several ways, from mobility problems to your hormones fluctuating.1
For women, the menopause causes the levels of your sex hormones oestrogen and testosterone to drop. For men, testosterone naturally decreases over time, too.1
Speak to your GP if you want to investigate these issues, they can check hormone levels and discuss treatment with you, like hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
5. Being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding
Pregnancy, giving birth and breastfeeding after can, understandably, have a huge physical and mental toll on a woman, especially when it comes to sex. This can be due to:14
- exhaustion
- painful sex caused by cuts or tears in childbirth
- hormonal changes
- body changes and how you feel about yourself
- priority changes
- unsupportive partners
On the flip side, being pregnant can sometimes increase your sex drive.15
If your libido doesn’t come back over time or when things settle down, discuss with your GP, they’ll be best to help you.
6. Underlying health issues
Some medical conditions can contribute to a lowered libido, whether it’s due to emotional strain, physical symptoms or any side effects of treatments. These can include diabetes, cancer, undergoing surgery, heart disease or an underactive thyroid.2
If you have any of these conditions, or any other condition, and think it may be contributing to your low sex drive, please seek the advice of your GP or a specialist.
7. Alcohol
Although having a few drinks on a night out can get people feeling a little friskier and more confident in bed, it can also have some quite un-sexy side effects, like:
- erection problems: alcohol can mess with the messengers in the brain that engorge the penis with blood. Plus, it can lower testosterone production14
- difficulty having an orgasm: after a heavy drinking session, women tend to find it hard to orgasm and if they do manage to, they often feel less intense. Men may also find it hard to orgasm or end up ejaculating too quickly15
For men, if you drink excessively over a long period of time, your sex drive can take a serious hit, which may be due to it affecting testosterone levels.16,17
8. Contraception and other medication
If you’re taking some types of medication or hormonal contraception, you might notice your sex drive stalling.
Certain forms of medication and hormonal contraception like the combined pill, progesterone-only pill, contraceptive injection or implant can all affect your sex drive in different ways.2 But sexuality is really complex and researchers have highlighted that it’s hard to ‘blame’ just one thing on a lower libido, like hormonal contraception.20
If you think your prescription is lowering your libido, chat to your doctor – never stop taking medication without checking with them first.
How can you increase your sex drive?
Figuring out how to improve your sex drive and feel more in the mood, can be tricky as everyone’s drive is different.
To figure out the root cause of your loss of libido, it’s best to chat to a healthcare professional, particularly if it’s something you experience (or have experienced) frequently or for long periods of time.
If you’re feeling in a bit of slump, there are a few things you can try, including:
- eating a healthy balanced diet full of whole, unprocessed foods18,19
- exercising like walking, on a regular basis to get your heart pumping20
- stopping smoking or vaping21
- limiting your alcohol consumption to reduce any unwanted effects18
- always communicating openly and honestly with your partner
- making time to relax to feel more at ease and less stressed22
- not forgetting foreplay to build up to the act23
- spicing it up with sex toys, lingerie and lubricants
- giving your diet a little love by introducing aphrodisiacs24
- trying a supplement like an easy gummy or tablet
You also asked...
Think of sex drive as a spectrum: on one end there is someone with no sexual desire whatsoever and on the other end you have someone with sex on the brain 24/7. These are extreme examples though, and most people will sit somewhere between the two on the scale.
There are studies suggesting that the male sex drive is stronger than a woman’s, thanks in part to their hormones.25 However while hormones play a big role in how much sex you want – it’s certainly not the be-all-and-end-all when it comes to sex drive.
Social and psychological factors come into this more than we are led to believe, and these areas need to be researched further.26,27,28
A normal sex drive isn’t a thing. There’s no universal ‘normal’ when it comes to how often you’d like to have sex. Some people may want to every day and others may be happy with a monthly treat – both are normal, so don’t fret.
Determining if you have a ‘high’ sex drive can be difficult as there is no set ‘normal’ sex drive due to everyone’s differences. You shouldn’t necessarily worry about wanting to have a lot of sex, as this could be very normal for you.
However, if you feel like your sexual behaviour is getting out of control and you have sexual compulsions, like feeling dependent on sex, not feeling fulfilled with any other activity or using sex to escape problems, then you could benefit from seeking help.
The final say
There’s so much more to sexual desire than we might think. It’s affected by so many factors, so don’t despair if you don’t always feel in the mood.
If you’re concerned about your sex drive in any way, whether because it’s all-consuming or has dwindled considerably, check in with your healthcare professional for a helping hand.
Interested in more sexual health content? Take a look at our guide to erectile dysfunction.
This article provides informational advice and is not a substitute for medical care. Curated by experts for accuracy, we take great care to ensure the information is up-to-date and relevant. However, you should always consult your GP or healthcare professional before using supplements or alternative products, particularly if you have medical conditions or are under supervision.
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